Letter One

(Note for those reading Confessions of a Halfling Cynic: Cordobles did not participate in the group's first adventure, so you should read Finarfin's First Report and Second Report before starting this one.)

Dear Sneffles,
I was bored shitless and drunk. Then these guys came along and now I’m sober and rich. But I guess I’m ahead of my story.

We were sitting at the Lonely Virgin with Grau, listening to him piss and moan—no I guess that was earlier in the evening. I was drinking rye whiskey and was drunk almost as stupid as my new housemate, Redcullin—I told you about him—when four kinds of shit started flying outside and we headed for the streets. The king was dead they cried, which sounded like an opportunity to me, so we followed the mob up the hill and ran into poor old Grau getting his ass whipped by some dockside punks. Naturally, Red decided it was his problem and tried to fight them all at the same time. I was about to cut some out of the herd for him when these strange cholos showed up from out of nowhere. Rough trade. They knew the old sot, too, so I stood aside and let them sort it out.

Grau was pretty fucked up so we helped him back to Volshyenek. It made me a little nervous to go in there but what the hell? Afterwards we followed the crowd to Eodred's Walk with our new pals. Burns I noticed right away because he was doing his best not to be noticed. A dangerous fucker—likes to fight way too much and he’s good at it. I’ll have to try and keep him a pal and hope he’s never bored.

Baldar is a snooty superior bloke who is a kind of spooky mind-reader guy who seems to know when shit is going to happen ahead of time. He’s one of those “on a quest” types. Hope it doesn’t get him killed.

PJ is a religious ex-junky. Sincere guy, but, you know, don’t let him get started on the love of Irori or you’ll never get any sleep. I know that you’ll appreciate that he’s hung like a horse.

Fernholder is a halfling, the horniest little bastard I know. Comes from not getting any. A sorcerer he claims, although I’ve seen magicians with more savvy. He seems to know what he’s doing, though. Chooses his time to strike, then claims the credit. Like I say, a real joker.

That’s when the motherfucking Hellknights showed up so we holed up back with Grau to wait it out. The screams sounded like full moon on a Starday night. The weird thing is that Baldar was carrying around that old brooch Ma hid for Mr. Lamm that time. You remember, we used to play with it when she was out. The most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen. Turns out it was the Queen’s and she wanted it back so we hitched a ride with the City Guard and waded through the guts and gore to Castle Korvosa. And I didn’t even have to blow anybody to get there, ha, ha.

Even wilder—it turns out these guys I’m hanging with had taken the brooch from Lamm himself and croaked the old bastard while they were at it! I never would have believed anybody could get the drop on the fucker. All the more reason I’m in their debt and you, too.

Anyway, the Queen must’ve really wanted that jewelry back because they frogmarched us straight to see her foxy gal pal, Sabrina. You could see the halfling’s boner clean through his breeches. It was pretty gross. She seemed to think so too but I imagine she’s seen worse.

More amazing, she introduced us to the Queen herself who completely ignored me, which I expected, but they must be crazy to let us anywhere near her even if we had to give up our weapons to do it. (I know what you’re thinking but sometimes you’ve gotta take a risk to get ahead.) I’ve never seen a room decorated in quite so much red for anyone but a working girl, but I guess some people think she’s the queen of the working girls, anyway.

I swear Frodo came in his pants ogling the Queen like she was a common whore and he a country boy on his first visit to the big city but she seemed to like it a little. Most guys probably have trouble getting it up with her because of her rep but it didn’t faze old Finagle, I’ll give him that.

Everybody else minded their manners and we got our rewards—more gold than I’ve ever seen. Fucking hell, I wasn’t even sober yet. Not sure what I should buy first, but there’s a pair of snakeskin boots I’ve had my eye on.

Then she sent to us to Cressida Kroft back at the Citadel. I was starting to feel antsy, I don’t know why. Maybe it was all those Hellknights flying around. I haven’t felt right about them since that time back in the ’hood when Dexxxther saluted them with a fart and they chopped his head off.

Anyway, Kroft gave us a job, sending us up to a Meat Locker in North Point. We were supposed to snatch a joker named Kasserkin the next day—the magic guys having to power up and all needed to rest. I barely slept because Fernholder snored like an ox all night long and I don’t want to talk about the other sounds he made.

The next morning we set out through the streets, which were still messy with the night’s revels. I saw Gootch lying in a gutter with his neck snapped and his pants around his ankles. I think that happened afterwards, though, because he wasn’t smiling. There was some kind of scam going down at the Meat Locker where we were supposed to find our mark so we went around back and broke in. We rumbled a bit with the droogies running the place. I made one good move but crapped out.

Redcullin fights like a big dog. He’s enthusiastic and can take a lot of punishment. He wants to be the first in line in every fight. Good thing this group’s got a healer. PJ fixed Red up a bunch of times—I never saw a guy squirt so much blood and walk away afterward. PJ fixed me up, too, after some hogs bit me on the ass. A nice debut, I’m sure I impressed everyone. I owe him, though, for not laughing while laying hands on me. Then Fernholder started spraying gas like a fucking skunk and the fight was over.

We hadn’t found Kasserkin yet so we let Redcullin make a bunch of noise until he came out to see what was going on. He put up a good fight but we hogtied him and quickly got out of there. I got a magic dagger from the deal, which means I was ripped off considering the quality of the goods. Never mind, there’s a lot more boodle coming unless I miss my guess.

Back at the ranch Kroft gave us another assignment to snatch someone else on their shit list and we’re starting out soon for the old town to find him. He’s one of your old playmates but I ain’t saying who, although I don’t think you’ll be too sorry to lose him.

Wildest of all it turns out Grau is a bud of Vencarlo Motherfucking Orisini himself! He was so grateful for us saving the old lush that he offered to train me and Burns at his school! Who says no good deed goes unpunished? I got me a new crew.

Yor pal,
Dobles

Finarfin's Third Report